My Revenge Confession [Friday Focus]

I have a confession to make.

A few years ago I found myself pretty much at rock bottom – deep in debt and deeper in depression after the parts of my old life I valued most slipped swiftly from my grasp.

In the worst of it, I’d sleep – sometimes 20 hours a day.

(Anything to escape the jolting and constant pain and shame, skipping through my brain like a detuned radio.)

I’ve shared previously one positive tool that helped me to get my life on track (my “3 Ducks” – and how I focussed my days on the three big things most worthy of giving a duck about).

But one other thing that helped me to get back on my feet, and lift my life and business to new heights, wasn’t so positive.

It was that I turned all of my pain into bloodlust.

You see, I wanted revenge.

I wanted revenge on life.

I wanted revenge on the universe.

But – more specifically – I wanted revenge on every m-f’er that screwed me over, underestimated me, shunned me, and threw me away after they’d sucked their worth out of me.

Not in a Frank Castle, throw-around-a-jerry-can-and-strike-a-match, “I’ll stand in a pile of ashes, unzip my pants, and whizz on everything you held dear” kinda way…

More a general “I’ll show you bastards” kinda way.

At times it felt like I’d descended into an alternative universe. This wasn’t my life. I didn’t belong here. So, having already lost everything, I had nothing left to lose, nothing left to fear, and everything to gain.

So why not gain everything, and enjoy the satisfaction of vengeful superiority as I ascended above everyone and everything that had wronged me – right?

And here’s the terrifying bit…

It worked.

It worked scarily well.

Still, I knew I was burning a fuel that was burning myself.

I knew that – when I reached the top of the rope – I’d probably need to make new “enemies” to keep me going.

I’d need some new pain to spur me on. Some new fight to win.

And I didn’t like that aspect of the person I was becoming.

But it was working.

And there was NO WAY IN HELL I was EVER going back to rock bottom.

And I knew that if I let go of that searing bloodlust, and all the motivation it provided – even for a second – I could quickly find myself slipping back down into the darkness I’d fought tooth-and-nail to ascend from.

But…

…In that moment…

…I didn’t have any better ideas.

I’ve always had good mentors that have helped me “lift”.

(“Comrade” Neville Wilson, Steve McKnight, David Bradley, Eugene Ware, James Schramko, Dr Nic Lucas – just to name a few.)

But – at that time – I had no mentor beside me.

After 18 months of searching and false-starts, I decided Matt Church and Pete Cook were the right mentors for me.

They seemed to be the right fit a few business problems I was facing after this (ahem) “burst of motivation” had left me with a business that could no longer scale.

The intake questionnaire for their program asked me what motivated me.

So I told them.

With brutal honesty.

I told them about the fire – and how it worked for me… But how I knew it was costing me something intangible… And how I knew I needed to find another way, because I knew it wouldn’t work forever, but didn’t have any better ideas.

The first moment I met Matt, he handed me his Moleskine notebook – identical to the one that never leaves my side.

He opened it up to the final page, where he had drawn a table.

It was David R. Hawkins’ “Power vs Force” model.

Matt explained the concept of being “Below The Line” versus “Above The Line”.

He explained how we instinctively know when we’re below the line.

He shared how every time he felt himself slipping below the line – or every time he began a new Moleskine notebook – he’d copy the model out by hand.

He encouraged me to do the same.

And I did exactly that, as you see below:

And I have continued to copy it out – for a little over a year now.

The past year has been really rough at times.

I lost a $190,000 p/a client to the tides of market forces after I’d poured my soul into keeping them afloat, I lost a long-term relationship that I’d given the fullness of my whole being to, and had a mini health-scare that (I’m embarrassed to say) I withered and crumbled in the face of.

But 2017 was the most rewarding year of my life – personally, professionally, and in relationships.

And a large part of this – I believe – has been about being “above the line”.

Recently, Matt Church shared his insights on “Above The Line” vs “Below The Line”.

I think it’s hugely valuable.

It helped me.

And I share it with you today because I hope it helps you too:

https://www.mattchurch.com/talkingpoint/above-the-line

With love (or at the very least, with courage),
Brent